Have you ever thought about doing it this way?

by Bara August 18 | 2014

Usually, the woman is the one who shows restraint, right? She doesn’t want to jump into bed immediately at the beginning of a relationship. She knows what’s important and waits for the right moment, when she knows a deeper connection is possible. She unconsciously knows that sexual intercourse will influence her for a long time. And the quality of this experience depends on many things. Sex is like a roof that graces the rest of the house. But it’s obvious that the roof without the basement has lost any meaning.

So what does this house actually look like? It’s only up to you what kind of materials you use. Your house is your choice. For me the most important qualities are very simple things. But often people forget about them very quickly. For example, clear communication is important to me. I’m very clear about my needs and wishes, preferring to be completely open about what I like and don’t like. So, no, I don’t go a hundred times around a subject that needs to be discussed. Wouldn’t life be easier if we all simply said what’s on our mind?

The next important quality is empathy and listening to your partner. We have mastered the art of being honest and clear. And now we need to be sure that our partner will accept this truth. In the beginning of this approach, it is enough to simply listen to each other, to let your partner express what he/she needs to express. And take a breath before you start to oppose them. Maybe there is more than one way to look at things. This is what empathy is all about. And sometimes there is no answer or solution needed, just a hug and gentle caress as a nonverbal expression of your compassion for your partner.

So that’s only two things: expressing and listening, right? But in actual fact this is significant learning. And it takes some time to find the best way of communicating with a new (or old) partner.

But before we start to communicate on nonverbal levels by body movement and connecting our sexual centre physically, it’s good to be sure we managed the verbal communication. Of course we may feel the need to say something while we make love, but it’s not about chatting.

So yes, talk, talk and talk about your experiences, about your boundaries, about your favourite things and about your dreams that you want to explore with your partner. We can feel comfortable if we know what our partner likes and dislike. A person naturally acquires this skill when there is enough time before getting sexually intimate. I guess universal timing doesn’t exist. We’re all different. And the reason why I talk about it is because women often feel obliged to have sex when they see a hard on.

I understand it’s not easy to resist rushing to have sex, when your mind has very strong erotic ideas in it. But if you want to have a goddess in your bed, instead of a servant, you need to be patient, especially before having sex for the first time.

I really want to challenge you, that as the man you can be the one who shows restraint with first time intercourse. There is a never-ending land of other mutual enjoyment. Be playful and curious. Firstly, she will most probably be very surprised. And please don’t think of this as a game or strategy. It will only work when your intentions are for a deeper, more loving connection.

After your goddess understands that you give time for both of you she will be very grateful. She will transform your gift into a very feminine expression of love. She will honour your penis for the respect that you have shown and she will take care of him like he is the most special one in the world.

And remember that we have unlimited number of tries to get this right. And also remember that the goddess is there but sometimes she’s hiding and with time your eyesight will get sharper.

If there is anything you’re curious about, you can share it below in the comments. If you feel you want to try to reconnect with your partner and learn more, please visit our couples section: www.hegre.com/tantra/couples and book your preferred session.

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PREMIUM Member

◼ Mojo55-7, Switzerland

Replies to Comments

Hello Bara. Thank you for replying to these comments. It is a great help when you do, because we are taught more about the deeper meanings of Tantra that are often obscured from non-initiates by superficial appearances.

◼ Bara tantra, Spain

I agree with you

Maybe I did not mention that it works both ways because I feel its evident.Nothing on the earth works just one way. I like this metaphor : You would like to visit your friend or lover but the house is locked. And meeting can not happen until she/he opens the door. Actually doesn't matter on which site you are .Once the mission is opening and other time dropping fear of unknown places you gonna step in. Wish you juicy journey Bara

◼ Michael-12, United States

Communication works in both directions

Your challenge to the men, while probably most appropriate, given the place most men find themselves in, could be applied equally to women!! It is just as important for the woman to learn about her partner, and be restrained and playful and open, be willing to explore the subtleties of touch and non-orgasmic communication. I find this is very much a two-way street!! Both have to be willing to open to the other person, about their desires, their delights, their preferred ways of intimate communication. Only if the street is open in both directions can a real connection be established.

Communication

Many men - if not most - find it very difficult to communicate constructively within a sexual context. If they say anything spontaneous, it is usually brief and crude. It's almost as if the male is genetically programmed to be quick and efficient, physically but verbally restrained , whilst the female is programmed to be slow and careful physically but verbally unrestrained. Also, most men simply do not understand female psychology in a sexual context and are inhibited about discussing the implications, perhaps because they feel that it undermines their self-confidence. It seems to me, therefore, that women will always need to teach men how to communicate effectively; not only about their masculine fears, uncertainties, wants, and needs, but also - and more importantly - about their own feminine fears, uncertainties, wants and needs. This educational process requires patient persistence and tactfulness, because men tend to be very sensitive about their ignorance and reluctant to get involved in intimate discussions. It is for these reasons that I value and honour the Tantric Goddesses who are non-judgemental, empathetic, patiently persistent and lucid in what they both say and do.